


Make A Home

by taekoooook



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Crying, Established Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung | Jr., Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Im Jaebum | JB-Centric, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, Soft Im Jaebum | JB, Soft Park Jinyoung (GOT7)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24292543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taekoooook/pseuds/taekoooook
Summary: Jaebeom has one of his worse days. His members are there for him.Really 95% fluff.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 8
Kudos: 235





	Make A Home

**Author's Note:**

> Canon-ish, think a few years back when they still lived together and stuff.
> 
> Enjoy! x

When Jaebeom finally steps through the front doors to their dorm approximately three hours after the rest of the members have arrived home, he  _ knows _ that it won’t take much. He feels the tiredness all the way down to his bones, the exhaustion just from punching the keycode in, the pounding behind his skull and beneath his skin that’s been eating at him since early morning.

Being the leader of GOT7 wasn’t exactly a dream, it would be a lie to say as much and though Jaebeom had many flaws, lying generally wasn’t one of the most prominent ones. He wouldn’t say he regretted taking the role, exactly, just like he wouldn’t say that it was never worth it or rewarding enough. It was. He was reminded every time they were huddled together on stage, whether at big shows receiving awards or taking the final bow at the end of concerts. He didn’t mean to sound ungrateful; that was the worst thing he could imagine. Becoming a member of GOT7 and then being chosen as leader was without a doubt among the best things to happen to him, and he  _ was _ grateful. Truly.

Just not on days on like these.

Days where Jaebeom felt the weight of all the extra work at the company that he would rather spend catching up on sleep, or even in the studio doing work he actually enjoyed. Days where Jaebeom’s shoulders seemed to weigh a ton each, and smiling felt like an enormous effort. Days where Jaebeom really wanted to do  _ nothing _ , without responsibilities or schedules or tasks or inquiring members or flashing cameras around him. Where Jaebeom wanted to curl up in his most oversized clothes and lock himself up so that the world had no choice but to leave him alone.

Sighing heavily, Jaebeom wondered how many years were left before he would have that.

He keeps his hood, glasses and mask on, covering basically his entire face, even as he leaves his shoes at the racket and tries to move as quickly as possible in order to get upstairs to his room before anyone can - no matter how unintentionally - stop him.

He catches glimpses of black hair on the living room floor in front of a blaring TV, most likely belonging to Yugyeom and Youngjae, as he sweeps past on fast feet. Jackson’s door is almost closed and Jaebeom can hear him chatting away in rapid Chinese, while Bambam’s door is completely shut (which usually means that he’s trying to nap).

Luckily, no one either notices or bothers Jaebeom on his way to his sought after solitude. As he moves up the stairs and grabs the doorknob to his room quickly, he realizes that he hasn’t gone by Jinyoung’s room like he’d promised when they split ways after dance practice. Turning his head slightly to find Jinyoung’s closed door at the end of the hallway, Jaebeom contemplates what to do.

Jinyoung’s door is always closed, so there’s no telling whether or not he’s asleep. He’s also a quiet person by nature and usually can’t be heard talking on the phone through his door, and he tends to listen to music on his headphones instead of speakers. Jaebeom doesn’t move.

Until he does, turning the handle to enter his own room, because he feels the skin on his arms start to crawl and he can’t stop twisting his neck and there’s that pressure in his chest cavity and he just _needs_ _a_ _minute_ to himself before the anxiety blows up and someone notices. Always before someone notices.

Jaebeom closes his eyes because his senses overwhelm him sometimes, when he feels like this, and he’s lived in this room long enough to know every inch of it. There’s a tug at his heart at the thought of Jinyoung hearing him come home and go straight to his own room, but he also doesn’t know if Jinyoung is even awake or would have heard Jaebeom quietly moving through the dorm. Sometimes he does, but sometimes not.

He puts his glasses and mask on the drawer by the door but keeps the hood on, because it’s warm and soft and comforting and Jaebeom needs that sometimes. He likes the pressure of it around his head and how it helps tune things out. Also, he thinks Jinyoung must have worn it recently because it smells of his body wash and not Jaebeom’s. Jaebeom likes that, too.

He picks his phone up from his pocket to check for urgent messages, but also what time is it and how long has it been since Jaebeom ate and does he even want anything when it feels like his stomach is turning in on itself?

Scrolling through his notifications, Jaebeom takes a steadying breath in an attempt to restart his breathing which he thinks was getting shallow again. Then he takes another. Then another. And by the fourth one, he feels the fog in his head clear a bit, or maybe it’s because he realizes that Jinyoung is lying on Jaebeom’s bed, underneath his covers, in the shirt that Jaebeom wore to sleep last night.

Jinyoung is snoring slightly and there’s a hint of drool between his full lips and his hair is all kinds of ruffled and his cheeks are even puffier than usual, which is how Jaebeom knows that he’s been asleep for at least 30 minutes. His mouth almost forms a small smile in spite of himself, because seeing Jinyoung like this will always put Jaebeom at ease. There is no part of him that wishes Jinyoung was in his own room so that Jaebeom could be alone, but there is a small part that would have preferred it if Jinyoung was awake and could help Jaebeom feel like himself again.

As quietly as he can, Jaebeom removes his hoodie because a sleepy Jinyoung is an even cuddlier Jinyoung and it’s gonna be warm enough in just his t-shirt if he knows the man in his bed (he does). Toeing off his socks and switching his baggy jeans for the shorts he slept in last night is next, and Jaebeom swears he could cry with relief as he finally lays down next to Jinyoung under the covers and feels his breath in small, even puffs against his own face. Jaebeom burrows down as deep into the mattress as he can, kind of wishing it would swallow up him so that nobody could find him until he chose to get up again.

Jaebeom is  _ tired _ .

His aching bones, itchy skin, and empty-but-somehow-too-filled mind are all effects of the fact that Jaebeom is exhausted. He wonders, thinks that maybe he’s just feeling sorry for himself, just being ungrateful, just can’t handle the pressure--

Before Jaebeom can stop himself, he’s crumbling. He realizes, as if from a distance, that he somehow found the last straw and now the dam is broken. He suddenly wishes for a heartbeat that Jinyoung wasn’t here to see him like this, and then remembers that Jinyoung is sleeping and maybe Jaebeom can let some of it out so he won’t burst again, later. Or maybe he will, because Jaebeom knows from experience that when he gets like this it’s usually beyond his control to stop it.

So he cries.

And cries.

And cries.

Jaebeom wishes he wasn’t such an ugly crier, and he tries his hardest to be quiet because Jinyoung is also sleep deprived and Jaebeom is not the only person in the world who has ever had a hard time and he should take better care of his members and then himself and if he could just suck it up and pull himself together he might actually be able to do something productive instead of  _ this _ .

Jaebeom digs his head as far into the pillow as possible in order to muffle his sobs. He doesn’t even  _ know _ why he’s crying. Nothing bad has happened, nothing is out of the ordinary. No one is hurt or sad. His members are fine, the group is fine. Why is he crying?

When Jinyoung moves beside him, Jaebeom’s breath catches in his throat as he tries to will himself into being quiet. He wants to look to see if Jinyoung is awake, but if he’s being honest he is absolutely terrified of Jinyoung waking up just to find that Jaebeom’s tears are the reason why and that Jaebeom’s stupid stupid stupid irrational feelings are depriving Jinyoung of his much needed sleep.

The big hand that lands on Jaebeom’s right shoulder, thumb immediately stroking in small circles on top of Jaebeom’s t-shirt, confirms his suspicions.

“Hey”, Jinyoung mumbles, only half-awake, somewhere above Jaebeom.

He stays quiet because if he let go of the pillow between his teeth Jaebeom is not sure what sound would come out.

“Hey?” Jinyoung repeats, probably awake now. Jaebeom can feel how he stiffens beside him, and knows Jinyoung can feel it too. He bites harder onto the fabric in his mouth.

There’s some shuffling as Jinyoung scoots down on the bed, possibly in at attempt to get a glimpse of Jaebeom’s face where it’s firmly buried. Jaebeom’s not sure if there’s any air in his lungs.

“Hyung”, Jinyoung softly says, then. “Hyung, I know you’re awake, no one could sleep in that position.”

Jaebeom doesn’t move, but he can feel the pools around his eyes growing wetter.

“Jaebeommie”, is what Jinyoung finally whispers as he moves his hand to stroke at the hair on the back of Jaebeom’s head. “Will you let me hold you, at least?”

The last resolve of Jaebeom’s heart disappears at the sound of Jinyoung’s soft voice. He can’t hold back the sob that tears out of his mouth and into the pillow any more than he can force the tears back into their channels.

“You’re shaking, hyung”, Jinyoung says, sounding unfathomably sad. He thumbs at Jaebeom’s hair a few more times before scooting back up the bed and throwing his leg over both of Jaebeom’s as his arm winds its way around Jaebeom’s broad back. Jaebeom tenses up again, but realizes that Jinyoung’s words were true and that he is, in fact, trembling.

“Jinyoung-ah”, he whispers, and doesn’t know how the hell Jinyoung could have heard his muffled voice down in the pillow, but he must have because suddenly Jaebeom’s whole body is being turned by sheer force and before he knows it Jaebeom finds his face buried against the fabric of (his own) the shirt that Jinyoung is wearing instead of the pillow, and, right, there’s air in his lungs again.

The sobs are back as soon as the air fills him again, and Jaebeom is embarrassed and ashamed of himself for even  _ making these sounds _ and he wishes he was anyone else on the planet right now instead, until he doesn’t because he feels Jinyoung all around him and even though Jaebeom is barely half a person and torn into a million pieces right now there is Jinyoung and he is whole and warm and everywhere and Jaebeom has never in his life had a home more whole and warm and encompassing than what Jinyoung’s arms offered.

Jinyoung’s lips move against Jaebeom’s hair and he realizes that there are words, too, but Jaebeom is not ready for those so he turns his ears off and tries to dig a whole in Jinyoung’s chest with his bare face so that he can crawl into Jinyoung and stay with him and be warm and safe forever, and maybe whole, too.

“Hyung”, Jinyoung is saying, repeating, because it scares him a bit when Jaebeom gets like this and won’t talk to him and Jinyoung doesn’t know if it’s because he doesn’t want to or because he physically can’t, and Jinyoung wonders if someone else is more equipped for this or if Jaebeom wants something or someone but then he remembers that Jaebeom told him after the last time this happened that no one else ever knew how torn apart he gets sometimes. That he usually waits until it passes and then moves on with his life. “But hyung”, Jinyoung had wondered out loud, “how do you heal yourself again?”

Jaebeom had looked at him for a long while, before replying. “I don’t.”

And Jaebeom had realized that he has never healed himself, but just picked up the pieces that were a bit more jagged than before and tried to glue them together as usual. The last time though, which was the first time anyone else noticed and of course it was a frightened Jinyoung, Jaebeom had found that when Jinyoung kissed his tears away and held his trembling body and didn’t leave his side for the six hours straight Jaebeom had cried, that the pit in his stomach which he usually ignored and left until the next time had become a little easier to bear.

“Jaebeommie”, Jinyoung tries again, curling his own body around his hyung’s quivering one, and Jaebeom wishes he hadn’t put Jinyoung through this again. He gives a nod because Jaebeom’s mouth is still struggling to breathe properly and there’s a few tiny wails that leave him without warning and makes him cry harder by the sound of them because he doesn’t want those heartbreaking sounds to come from his body.

“Do you want me to go? Just nod or shake your head, please?”

Jaebeom immediately, firmly, shakes his head, and holds his breath because he knows Jinyoung and he has many questions.

“Should I text the others to come? Just yes or no.”

Jaebeom hesitates this time, but the he shakes his head again. The fewer the better.

“Okay”, Jinyoung says, kissing Jaebeom’s hair carefully. “Do you want me to hold you like this or tighter?”

Jaebeom swallows, wetting his dry throat, before whispering the words Jinyoung so masterfully gets out of him. “Tighter. Please.”

“Of course, hyung”, Jinyoung replies into Jaebeom’s hair as his arms tighten around Jaebeom’s shoulders and waist and the comforting pressure eases his muscles enough that Jaebeom’s body is still except for the occasional twitch.

Several minutes later Jaebeom can almost breathe properly again.

“You know how much we love you, right?” Jinyoung asks rhetorically, because God help Jaebeom if the answer wasn’t a confident ‘yes’. “All of us. There’s a reason none of us could ever imagine a different leader, hyung, because no one could take care of us like you do. We’re so grateful, hyung. I promise. It felt terrible to leave you after practice and the car ride home was completely quiet. We all thought about you.”

Jaebeom quietly turns his head upward and buries his face in Jinyoung’s neck because that’s one of Jaebeom’s favorite body parts and hiding spots and the world comes down to Jinyoung’s calm breathing and warm skin and soft words.

“We appreciate you even if we’re shit at telling you.”

Jaebeom snorts messily. Jinyoung chuckles and his lips find Jaebeom’s forehead to rest there.

“It saddens me that you feel this way”, Jinyoung says, because even if Jaebeom hasn’t confessed what he’s so upset about, Jinyoung has learnt that nothing else gets this kind of reaction out of his hyung. “I’m really sorry, Jaebeom. I wish I could make it easier for you.”

Jaebeom pushes his lips to meet Jinyoung’s bare skin, because Jinyoung should know that nothing has ever made Jaebeom’s life better than Jinyoung.

When Jinyoung’s mouth stretches into a smile against Jaebeom’s own skin, Jaebeom thinks he got the hint.

“And I love you”, Jinyoung says as if it’s the easiest and most natural thing in the world to say. (But it is, Jaebeom thinks, because there are no words that leave his own mouth easier than “Jinyoungie, I love you”.) And Jinyoung’s arms are still tight around his boyfriend. “And I always will, hyung. And whenever you feel like this it would make me very happy if you came to me and told me, so I could do some of the things for you that you do for the rest of us. No one takes care of you the way you take care of us. Let me do what I can. I’ll love you better.”

Before Jaebeom knows it he’s let out a whimper and Jinyoung’s skin suddenly taste of salt because -  _ oh _ \- Jaebeom is crying again. But he can feel the difference and he thinks by the way that Jinyoung kisses every inch of Jaebeom he can reach that Jinyoung feels it, too.

Jaebeom wants to say that he loves Jinyoung, too, of course he does, but he thinks that the way his body stops trembling in Jinyoung’s arms and molds itself after Jinyoung’s body and the way his lungs can’t seem to set a regular pace until Jinyoung is near and how Jaebeom’s tears only taste of sadness and despair until Jinyoung’s proximity turn them into wet kisses and signs of love could possibly speak for itself.

When there’s a timid knock on the door about a minute later, Jaebeom doesn’t hear it and only registers Jinyoung’s hand beneath his chin that’s slowly lifting Jaebeom’s head to face Jinyoung, and, oh, is that a good idea--

Jinyoung’s soft gaze meets Jaebeom’s, and if that sets off more tears they don’t mention it.

“Are we letting them in?” Jinyoung asks with a face that says ‘whatever you want’.

Jaebeom searches Jinyoung’s eyes for answers he doesn’t know himself, and finds that, ‘yes, it’d be alright if we let them in’. He nods.

“Yeah?”, Jinyoung calls out as Jaebeom returns to the safe haven of skin above Jinyoung’s collar and below his jaw. Jinyoung’s fingers find their way back into Jaebeom’s hair and he preens in a way not unlike how his cats move whenever Jaebeom do it to them.

The door to Jaebeom’s room open with a quiet ‘click’ and Youngjae’s voice seem distant and nearby at the same time.

“Hyung?” he says quietly, and Jaebeom is not sure which one of them he means before he continues carefully. “Is Jaebeommie hyung asleep?”

Jinyoung doesn’t immediately reply, and Jaebeom comes to the realization that he’s probably waiting for some kind of sign from Jaebeom whether or not he wants to talk to Youngjae (and whoever else). Jaebeom makes his decision.

Still with his back to the door and most of his body hidden by the covers, he sits up cross-legged in front of Jinyoung who looks at him with a fond sort of smile before sitting up himself and taking one of Jaebeom’s hands in between his own two bigger ones. It feels nice.

“Hyung?” Yugyeom’s nerves are prominent as he speaks. “Are you…?”

Jaebeom can tell that Yugyeom doesn’t know what to say, that ‘okay’ was on the tip of his tongue but that he chose against it. Jaebeom kind of understands when he considers the possibility that the others members might’ve heard his wretched sobs just moments ago.

He turns slightly, then, to look at his members. Yugyeom and Youngjae have barely entered the room, probably prepared to run back out as fast as possible if Jaebeom didn’t want them there, but he also spots Mark behind them with a worried face (whereas the two younger ones look more frightened than anything). When they catch sight of his (probably completely ruined) face, it would have been comical in another setting how all three scrunch up their own expressions in attempts to stop their own tears from falling. Youngjae is the only one who succeeds.

“Hyung”, Yugyeom all but blubbers out as he steps forward towards Jaebeom’s bed before stopping himself, arms halfway up. Jaebeom has to smile a little, even if it doesn’t reach his eyes. Jinyoung’s chest is suddenly pressed against his back as his arms wind around Jaebeom once more, as if he knows that Jaebeom is in uncharted territory in this situation, and Jaebeom leans into him because he will never be truly lost if Jinyoung is there.

“It’s okay”, Jaebeom croaks out because his throat is really sore and he has never been a talker when it comes to his feelings, not really. “I’m fine, yah.”

But it’s too soft and too unlike him, he can tell, because none of the boys know how to react. Mark’s eyes are wet and his lips are tightly pressed together as he stares at Jaebeom, and Youngjae has his eyes firmly fixed at a point somewhere to the right of Jaebeom instead of at his face. Yugyeom practically falls forward onto the floor in front of Jaebeom to hide his face in the bedsheets, and Jaebeom wonders if the rise and fall of Yugyeom’s shoulders is how his own looked not that long ago.

With an aching heart, he reaches out and rests his hand on Yugyeom’s shoulder.

“Mark hyung”, Jinyoung says from behind him, and Mark barely tears his eyes away from Yugyeom and Jaebeom to look back at him. “Will you get the others? It’s probably best to gather everyone.”

Jaebeom doesn’t reply, but he agrees. And he thinks Jinyoung knows.

Mark takes one last look at Jaebeom’s face before turning and leaving, and Youngjae slowly walks closer to where the other three are sitting, wringing his hands. Jaebeom feels the nauseous guilt in his mouth for upsetting everyone.

“Youngjae-yah”, he says, hand still on Yugyeom’s shoulder, as he looks at the slightly older boy who won’t meet his eyes. “Sit down, yeah? It’s fine.”

“It’s not, though”, Youngjae says as he finally raises his eyes to Jaebeom’s eye level. “I’ve never--”

He breaks off, and looks at Jinyoung instead, or at least so Jaebeom thinks, because Youngjae has a searching kind of look in his eyes that only one of his hyungs can mend.

“Hyung”, he says quietly, almost a whisper, as his eyes return to Jaebeom’s. “I’ve never heard anyone cry like that.”

Jaebeom’s lips part at his words, and he can feel his face twist at the pain he never meant to cause anyone just because of him. He reaches out with both arms, big and wide, so that both Youngjae and Yugyeom will get the point.

They both dive into his embrace. Jaebeom almost chokes on all the hair in his face. (Jinyoung laughs quietly behind him.)

There’s sudden noise in the hallway, a  _ lot _ of it, and Jaebeom knows in the nail of his left little finger that Jackson and Bambam are on their way. It’s confirmed when Jackson barges in first, panting because he’s the fastest, and immediately exclaims: “What the  _ hell  _ happened?”

Jaebeom isn’t able to get a word out before Jackson has joined the hug, too, all while spitting out words that are not all Korean and Jaebeom has to struggle to catch.

“-- then Mark hyung comes in,  _ sobbing _ , and tells me that there’s something terribly wrong and that Jaebeommie hyung has been all but heartbroken in his room and Jinyoungie’s there but nothing makes sense except that something is wrong and you looked absolutely devastated and that he’s never seen you like this, doesn’t know if  _ anyone _ has, and--”

“Jackson”, Jaebeom interrupts, because Jackson truly could talk forever.

“What!” he demands, face closer to poor Youngjae’s ear than Jaebeom’s.

“Nothing’s happened”, he tries to explain. “I’m fine. Everyone’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Bullshit”, Jackson firmly disputes, and Jaebeom thinks he can feel his heart expand in his chest with how much he cares for these boys. When he looks up from the hug he finds Mark once again by the door, and when he looks again he sees Bambam half hidden behind his oldest hyung.

“Hi”, Jaebeom says in their direction as he tries to smile better.

“Hi”, Mark all but whispers back, but at least his tears seem to have stopped. As has Yugyeom’s, who is now back on the floor and watching the rest of them quietly.

“What’s going on?” Bambam asks, and Jaebeom knows they’re all expecting an answer now. One he doesn’t know if he has. But when he looks at all his members and feels their worry down to his core, he knows that he has to try. Jinyoung rests his head on Jaebeom’s right shoulder and Jaebeom knows that they’re waiting for him.

“I, uh…”, Jaebeom says, because he barely knows himself why this happens to him. “First of all, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset all of you.”

Mark’s face twists into a grimace at the words, as Jackson scoffs and walks a few rounds in a circle on the floor, while Yugyeom’s eyes are wide as saucers as he listens.

“Don’t apologize, hyung”, Youngjae says as he settles on the corner of the bed, eyes firm as he looks at Jaebeom. “We’re not upset  _ at _ you.”

Jaebeom licks his lips as the implication forms in his mind. They are upset  _ with _ him.  _ For _ him. He thinks his eyes must water again because all at once, the five people in front of him move toward him with their hands stretched out.

“I”, he starts again, nervous. “Alright.”

Jaebeom stares at his fingers as he fiddles with his rings.

“I just want to start by stating that I meant what I said. Nothing has happened. No one has done anything. We’re all fine and there’s no secret event that you don’t know about. I promise. You know I don’t lie to you.”

Everyone nods, even though Jackson and Youngjae both look like they are struggling to keep their mouths shut. Jaebeom takes a breath before continuing.

“I don’t… This is really hard for me to explain so please be patient with me.”

More nods. Jinyoung’s fingers find his waist and squeeze in what feels like encouragement.  _ You’re doing good _ , they say.

“This is not the first time this has happened”, Jaebeom starts, but when he sees everyone’s face scrunch up like the words are painful to them, he’s quick to continue, “but please don’t blame yourselves, or anything, I swear I’m not upset with any of you. Or anyone else. I’m just…”

Jaebeom looks down into his lap, at his hands and at Jinyoung’s, and takes another breath because he can still feel the weight on his shoulders and the ache in his chest if he tries and he doesn’t want to feel that around the people that matter most to him.

“I just get… really,  _ really _ tired sometimes”, Jaebeom practically whispers, but he sees Mark and Bambam’s feet around the bed now as well and thinks they all heard him. “It’s… It can be really tiring sometimes. Being leader. I don’t mean to make it sound like all of you aren’t tired because I know you are, I know none of us sleeps enough or eats enough or gets out enough. And please don’t think that I--”

He breaks off again, head hanging, and Jaebeom feels the tears slowly roll down his cheeks before dropping onto his hands. He lifts them to hide his face as his shoulders tremble, and the next thing Jaebeom knows there are arms and heads and all sorts of body parts surrounding him that weren’t there the moment before. Jinyoung is steady as a rock behind him, though, as he always is, and Jaebeom is grateful. That’s also why he’s sad. Jinyoung’s lips find a spot below Jaebeom’s ear and press, then stay there. Jaebeom notices that Jinyoung’s breaths are not as steady as before.

“Don’t think that I’m ungrateful”, Jaebeom chokes out behind his hands, “ _ please _ . Please. That’s the last thing I want, or mean.”

“Of course not.” It’s Jackson. “Jaebeommie, of course not, how could we ever think that?”

“Hyung”, Bambam speaks up, “You’re probably the most hard-working person in the industry. How can we take that for granted?”

“You know we would never want anyone else, right?” Mark says, shaky with emotion but firm in his message at the same time. “No one else could ever be you, Jaebeommie.”

And it feels true, when Jaebeom hears his members. He knows them too well to think they’re lying. If they didn’t mean it, they wouldn’t have said anything at all.

“Hyung”, Yugyeom says from somewhere close to Jaebeom’s left knee. “You know we love you, right?”

Maybe it’s because Yugyeom repeats the words Jinyoung told him earlier, and Jaebeom knows it gets him nowhere to argue with it. It’s true. He does know it. So he nods.

“Good”, Youngjae says from somewhere around his other knee. “Because we do. Just like you love us, hyung”.

Jaebeom nods again. Also true.

He removes his hands but closes his eyes, and leans back into Jinyoung who just says; “I told you so.”

“I get really tired sometimes”, Jaebeom goes on, looking at his members once again, “and it just… It gets too much. It takes nothing to set me off in the end and once it starts, I… I don’t know how to make it stop.”

Five sympathetic faces wait patiently for him to continue.

“Today was one of those days. It’s hard to explain exactly how it feels, but… Yeah. When I got home I just wanted to crawl into bed and dig myself a hole and never come back up. Or at least not until I wanted to.”

It takes a lot to admit how Jaebeom feels when he gets like this. He’s not sure the members will look at him the same or support how he wants to deal with his mood and health. He doesn’t know if they will respect him more for it, or less. If they will think him weak or cowardly. He can’t be sure, and he thinks that might be the reason he can’t look them in the eyes. He can’t watch that change in their eyes when their picture of him twists.

“It feels like…”, Jaebeom struggles to find the words, and even more to utter them. “Like I want to crawl out of my own skin. Like I can’t stand to be in this body, be this person in this position, even be on this  _ planet _ . I… No, I can’t say that, you’re all gonna laugh at me and never let it go.”

“Hyung, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we could all use a laugh right now”. Yugyeom fixes him with narrowed eyes and Jaebeom feels it even with his own closed. He looks at Yugyeom to confirm his suspicions.

“I guess you’re right”, Jaebeom hums, and looks at the rest of them. “This is embarrassing, though.”

“All the better”; Bambam chirps up, almost smiling.

Jaebeom scoffs before hiding his face in his hands again.

“It was just a brief thought earlier, before you lot came in, but… It felt like, earlier, when Jinyoungie held me against his chest, like…” 

Jaebeom is  _ really _ embarrassed, but he also wants to try his hardest to make the boys understand so that they’ll all finally feel better. So he powers on.

“Like it was home and it was safe and like I just wanted to shrink into basically nothing and dig a hole for myself in Jinyoungie’s chest so I could stay there forever. It was… It helped a lot, to have someone. Ah, I guess should’ve told you all before, shouldn’t I? Aish. Well, I’m telling you now. That’s how it feels, I guess. If any of it makes any sense.”

No one is laughing when Jaebeom quiets down again. Jinyoung is oddly still behind him. It takes a moment before Jaebeom dares open his eyes again.

“You dumbass”, Jackson exclaims, mouth gaping as he stares at Jaebeom. “That’s the sweetest and simultaneously most reasonable thing I’ve ever heard in my life! And I’ve heard a lot of things, Im Jaebeom.”

“Great, I’m crying again”, Mark mumbles as he turns his back to them. Before Jaebeom has the chance to look at the rest of the - unlaughing - boys though, Jinyoung catches his chin and turns his head towards him.

Jaebeom is not an owl, and so his neck kind of hurts at the motion, but before he can turn properly or ask Jinyoung what’s going on there are lips on his lips and,  _ oh _ , Park Jinyoung is kissing him with his perfect mouth. Jaebeom feels tension leave his body as he sinks into Jinyoung’s arms and bends in order to fit their mouths better together. Before he can catch one of the thoughts flying out of reach from his mind though, Jinyoung backs away with crinkled eyes and a bashful smile, “sorry, sorry” already spilling from his wide lips as the rest of the members groan in unison and make to get off of Jaebeom’s bed in the most dramatic way possible.

And Jaebeom laughs.

He can’t help it as he looks at Jinyoung’s face twisted up in all his happiness, and as he hears Jackson tumble off the bed just to roll back and forth on the floor, as Youngjae starts making kissing noises and Bambam pretends to throw up into a vase. Mark and Yugyeom are watching him and Jinyoung with equally fond faces (probably the romantics in them, Jaebeom supposes), and with all the people around him who Jaebeom thinks of night and day and who brighten his life more than he ever knew a group of people could, he really can’t help but laugh.

The effect is immediate as Jackson stops rolling around to stare at Jaebeom once again, as Youngjae smiles with his entire wide mouth open and Yugyeom and Bambam begins to laugh with him. Jinyoung suddenly hugs Jaebeom so tight he starts yelling out his laughter while telling him to let go because, honestly, Jaebeom’s lungs have been through enough today.

“Jaebeommie”, Mark says when things have quieted down again. “Do you wanna order some food? Come downstairs for some movies and let these children cheer you up with their foolishness?”

Jackson lets out a “Yah!” when Mark points him out as one of the children, but Jaebeom smiles back at Mark with gratitude, and he almost feels normal again. “I think I need a nap first, hyung. But yeah. No sushi, though.”

There’s another “Yah!” somewhere on Jaebeom’s right, but he ignores it.

“Got it”, Mark says with a dangerous smile. “Come on, kids, first three down gets to pick one movie each. Loser’s cleaning up dinner.”

There’s a heartbeat passing as the words sink into the remaining four members, but before Jaebeom can blink he realizes that they’ve all rushed out and are chasing each other down the stairs. Mark winks at him.

“Jinyoungie, you’re staying, right?” he asks before leaving. Jaebeom gets the feeling they don’t want to leave him alone tonight.

“Yeah, hyung”, Jinyoung confirms, wrapping his arms around Jaebeom’s front again as if to demonstrate how their leader isn’t going anywhere. Mark nods at them as he closes the door behind him.

Jaebeom tips over on his side on the bed, stretching out and groaning once they’re alone again. Jinyoung watches him quietly before asking; “Do you really want me to stay though, hyung? I’ll just go back to my room if you’d rather be alone for a while.”

Jaebeom rolls over on his back to get a look at  _ his Jinyoungie _ across from him, as Jaebeom’s mother always call him when they speak on the phone.

“Stay, Jinyoung-ah”, is what he says. Jinyoung smiles and nods in compliance.

“Alright”, Jinyoung replies, before slowly smiling and leaning forward to approach Jaebeom where he’s laying. “And what was it that you wanted to do, hyung?”

Jaebeom’s mouth is suddenly drier than it was when he was crying, as he catches the glint in Jinyoung’s eye the closer he gets. Before Jaebeom has a chance to reply he is caged in by Jinyoung’s broad shoulders and firm thighs on top of him, and, suddenly, he can’t remember what it was that he had wanted just a moment ago.

“Huh?” Jinyoung breathes, planting one thigh between both of Jaebeom’s as he leans down to drag his mouth over Jaebeom’s jawline, barely touching. Jaebeom feels his breath catch when Jinyoung’s teeth grazes his earlobes.

“Nyoung-ah”, Jaebeom mumbles as he realizes that he has hands and that he should use them, so he threads one into the hair at the back of Jinyoung’s head and sneaks the other one under Jinyoung’s (Jaebeom’s) shirt to drag his fingernails across the bare skin of Jinyoung’s back.

Jinyoung stutters in his movements and then he’s  _ really on top of Jaebeom _ and their entire bodies are aligned and all Jaebeom can think is  _ finally _ because his world really makes a lot more sense when it’s all made up of Jinyoung than when it isn’t.

When Jinyoung’s lips find home on Jaebeom’s neck and all his senses focus on that spot where Jinyoung’s lips and teeth and tongue are working, Jaebeom feels that final piece of anxiety leaves his body. It all comes down to Jinyoung - doesn’t it always? - and the way he finds every piece of Jaebeom that has exploded from his shaky core and slowly but surely fits them together into a puzzle that mend every crack Jaebeom is made up of until he truly feels like the person Jinyoung looks at him like he is.

The wave that drowns Jaebeom is all love, and gratitude, and passion. Only being on stage compares to the feeling of being loved by Jinyoung. Jaebeom can only hope he makes Jinyoung feel the same way, so he arches up into Jinyoung’s body properly and when Jinyoung freezes and lets out a moan Jaebeom takes the opportunity to whisper into his ear exactly how Jaebeom plans to show his gratitude.

When Jinyoung drops his head (and hips) down with shaky breaths, Jaebeom thinks he knows what’s coming. He quickly finds out that he doesn’t though, not really, as Jinyoung orders him to turn around because he’s going to show Jaebeom just how proud he is of him for what he did today and also because Jaebeom deserves to feel like a fucking king every single day and Jinyoung will be damned if he doesn’t do his part.

Jaebeom promptly chokes before doing as he’s told.

Jinyoung tells him that he’s nothing but perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! x


End file.
